Asocial Personality?

Before I begin, I have the urge to correct any clueless humans out there. The term 'anti-sociality' isn't the act of not socialising. Asociality is the correct word. If you have originally though that anti-sociality was the correct word to describe people who hates talking like me, you were misled.

So what's the deal? Not much really, just a little curious about my personality. Unlike many people, I get really drained if I go out with friends for a long time. Although they are my friends, I feel reluctant to interact with them and rather compelled to just shrivell back to my little shell of blissful isolation after hours with them. Where it's just me and my thoughts floating around.

Recently, I broke my own record of going out with friends 3 days in a row. The first day was pretty cool, although I experienced the urge to hide into my 'shell' during the last few hours. The second day was fun too, but the last day? All I felt was reluctance to get out of bed, get out of the house and into reality outside. I was groaning internally but I convinced myself to go anyway because, what kind of friend am I to reject her friend?

Fast forward, the day's over and I felt kind of... relieved. I can hear your incredulous 'what?!' now. Weird right? I felt relieved when I should have missed her or something. I was relieved because I could go back to my little shell again.

I'm highly introverted which is why I experience all these stuff. I guess I'm considered asocial too. I just suck at conversations and interaction because I'm mostly quiet when I'm around people, even with my buddies. It's like a chore for me to start a conversation and I just smile at whatever people say. Like you know, just so that they can differ me from the stone wall.

As a result of my asociality, I have a lesser number of friends compared to an average secondary school student. I would say I'm generally a nice person, although I can be a little blunt at times but I would say the fault lies mostly on my asociality. To be honest, I don't exactly have a good friend in my class. It gets lonely at times even when my friends offers me to tag along with them so that I can avoid looking like a complete loner. I feel like a third wheel and although I admit I sometimes like being a third-wheel, it doesn't mean I like to be one full-time.

On the other hand, I have some pretty close friends in my CCA which I'm happy of. I like talking and having fun at times, but there are also times which I want to be left alone. Asociality isn't necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes I think I'm a little too asocial and I feel lonely at times. Even to the extent when it can blast into a full-blown existential crisis where I start to question the point of living. This is no joke.

Asociality is okay if it's part of you because it's what makes you you. But do do it in moderation, because you might end up feeling lonely if you don't.