Going to Church?!

So hey guys, I've got this little problem here. I go to church every Sunday but in this past couple years, I'm beginning to feel that it is a waste of time. To be honest here, I go because my family goes, not because I'm joyfully going to the Lord's house to worship Him. I go there every Sunday for Sunday School where we learn about Christ, and then the Worship service since I was six. Which is more than half my life now. And if I were not to go, I'd have this really bad feeling, like disloyalty or something. Then a doomed feeling, because I'm not saved and I'll go to hell when I die and death, is unpredictable. All I know that each second I'm alive, death looms nearer. And nearer. And I think, what do I live for, only to die?

 

As Dan calls it, maybe an Existential crisis. But no, what I think is more than that. 

See, from what I understand, I go to Church to worship God. The extremely, supremely, big and major problem is that I don't believe Christ died for us. The root, the foundation, the basic to Christianity and I have failed to grasped it--The belief of Christ.

I feel really bad for confessing that because for half my life, I have been thought to believe that and until now, I still don't believe. It isn't that I don't want to believe, I really do, I do want to want to believe in Him but I just can't. I don't have the want for Him.

True Christians who have steadfast faith in the Lord will try to help me and try contradicting my points to convince me. For example, they may say that the Lord created the world. After all, if it wasn't for him, how would the universe exist?

And then I will think, then who created the Lord? And they will say, no one, because He has no beginning nor an ending, because He was just there. If that is the case, then why is it not logical to believe that the universe was just there from the beginning? Am I not right? It is logical to believe that God created the world and God has no creator, so why is it not logical to believe that the world created us? Maybe that the world was just there, without a beginning? I don't know, I really don't know.

Then comes in the Bible. All these evidences are stated in the bible. It's all in Genesis. From the Chapter 1, it already starts talking about the beginning of existence. From the first day to the sixth day. The sabbath was for God to rest. By now, I'd say I'm familiar with all these knowledge, but it's all like remembering notes and facts to me. It's cool, yeah, but I don't feel the importance of it. And we all know how important something is if it determines our past, present, future of lives. 

But all these, I question. How do you know if the Bible is true? Maybe some events and records were written down and maybe they are indeed true, but how would you know that the reasoning behind it isn't the twisted version? Say a person believed a certain bad or good thing happen was because of Lord, how would you know if they weren't blinded by hope or desperation. I don't know, I really don't know. This is all a blur to me. How can I believe when I don't know?

Alright so this isn't where all my questions stop, but I hope someday, I will believe and trust in the Lord.